sometimes i really can't understand. why everytime i'm studying, there will be someone sitting in front of me talking. can't they see that i'm studying? i've got piles of books and notes and (currently), a laptop in front of me, trying hard to memorise stuffs and they juz keep ranting off distracting me. haish. dun tell me that i should go somewhere else to study. if i could, i will. prob is tat's the best location in my whole house tat i can study better. so yupz. life have and have not been well. haha! the have part. well. i did manage to start appreciating people around me, esp my friends. went to meet up with yan that group. haven seen them for a long time. at least a yr? i was guessing 2 thou. they are really a fun bunch of people. nice people too. juz felt kinda bad that i really duno how to mix with them. mainly coz the group is too big? i really can't mix well in big groups. too quiet. like extreme quiet kind. not that i purposely keep quiet. more to coz they are all too outspoken. my comment will juz seem insignificant even if i speak. no one can hear me anyway since iz usual that i can never get attention when i speak in a big group. they are fun enough for me to juz listen to them there. haha! actually, i'm really blessed to meet real nice great friends in my life. i really really thank them for that. i will try my best to be a nice gd friend too! side note. will try my best to appreciate and learn to be nicer to my family too! oh ya. bie made a comment the other day which kinda.. inspire me? haha. she said smth like "u got ur whole life to get to know ur friends". true isn't it. declaration to all my friends and friends-to-be out there: i will spend my whole life getting to know u all, u can't run away. *evil laugh* next, spent cny in vietnam. love halong bay. the peace, the scenery.. will definitely go back there one day juz for the cruise. seems like i'll be travelling to penang in june and prolly to sydney again for couzie's couzie's 21 bday. iz a yr of travel. manage to meet a friend from aus and spent 2 wks of wonderful time tgt. nice memories that i'll remember even if our friendship didn't last. we should be grateful to the gd things that happen around us isn't it? and forget the bad things. everything that happen is an experience and i thank you for it. =) now to the have not. seems like this yr isn't really a very gd start with breakups here and there. hmm. on the brighter side, iz the beginning of the year! u all still got the rest of the year to get to know new ppl and you nv know, maybe the year will end with a couply year? haha! (i'm trying/learning to be positive, so lets all be! ^^) continuing on the down side, currently still waiting for smth to happen and it doesn't seem to be happening. oh well. the time will come when it doesn't really matter much anymore. exams coming too in like.. 2 mths? (OMG!) been kinda slacking/half hearted studying for the past few days. (ya. i end up blogging now coz of the rants which equals not studying too. >.<) kinda worried on the 7 mods that i'm taking but.. i believe i can do it! you nv know i'll get all As for all my 7 mods. than i'll be a first class hons! haha! dream. but.. i will pass all! yupz. overall conclusion. the year have just started. we shall wait and see. prolly it isn't tat bad afterall. =))) oh. pardon me for the lack of paragraph. did it on purpose so that no one will bother reading (like as if anyone will) after seeing that iz so long. if u did manage to get thru till here, gd for u and thank you for the interest in my life! haha! so tat's all. bye!


~ wait for it ~

quite like my life now. not working anymore, concentrating on my studies. thought life will be quite boring staying at home everyday. but actually.. iz nice. ^^ enjoying the peaceful moment of everyday life. ha-la'ing' with my family and irritating my bros. lol. try my best to make it a point to study a chap of a mod everyday, thou sometimes will end up not studying (feel guilty) but so far so gd la. =) 

seriously, wat's happening? y do i feel that i'm so unlucky these days? exam period now. finish my 3rd paper and i'm sinking into depression. for the past 2-3wks. i've been kinda living in fear of having chicken pox coz my dear cousin caught chix pox at the point of time when everyone is in the exam period. u can't imagine how piss off and worried i am when i first heard bout the news. i almost cried. tis exam is soooo impt to me that i can't afford to miss any of it, i can't get chix pox at tis point of time. and any normal human here will naturally be worried coz tat person is staying with u and u see him everyday. somemore it starts spreading days b4 the symptoms come out. u nv know i would hav already gotten it or any time within tis 2 wks, i'm susceptible to catching the pox virus. u seriously can't imagine how worried i am these days. up till now. thou iz said that his chix pox is gone (since iz after 2 wks) but doc says it takes bout 1 wk for symptoms to come out? u duno how scary tat is. on top of that, exam stress.... if u notice, tis time i really tried putting in effort in studying. for 9 months, i dare not spend my wkend wasting my time out there playing. prolly i did, but iz juz tat few. for most wkends, i stayed home trying to study, feeling guilty the moment i step out of my house. i dare say i did put in more effort than last yr. and that's coz of my last yr's experience. i dun wan to hav tat kinda feeling again. i dun wana go into the exam hall, coming out regretting that i didn't put in enough effort. so i forced myself to study. i wana grad next yr, i'm aiming to. and here comes my first paper... iz terrible. very very terrible. the moment i start reading thru all the qns, i know that i'm dead. i dun even know wth the qns are asking bout. i tried my best to do the qns but i know myself, none of those are worth any marks. but fine. i admit tat i didn't really study much on tis module. so ok. if i fail, i accept it. then my 2nd paper. i was kinda confident tat i will at least pass tis mod. prolly even hav the confidence of getting say 50-60 marks? but again, when i started reading the qns, iz like shit. really. those qns seem sooo alien like as if i've nv studied them before. i dun even know which topic are they from. the qns look soooo much diff from those tutorials tat i do WHICH, are mostly taken from past yr papers. guess wat i'm thinking at that point of time. =) "are u kidding me?" and that's to the examiner. i really duno. at tat moment everything is like gone. even the mod which i'm more confident in passing is gone. i dun even dare to think how much marks i'll get for that. nvm. 3rd paper, which is the next day (and oso today). went straight home after the 2nd, eat+watch tv (they both happen at the same time to save time), study.... tis time i didn't hav much time to study since the papers are side by side and there isn't much time for me so i tried squeezing watever i can into my dumb brain. had 2 topics that i'm very confident in, 3 topics half confident (coz i only manage to memorise like half of each chap). i was thinking, shouldn't be that bad rite? can't be so sway all dun come out. thou there's like 13 chaps and memorising only 3.5 chaps is like much lesser than half. but hey. 8 qns a paper choose 4. somemore most of the time those qns usually ask until u can ans the qns by giving them the whole of the chap. so.. sure got some marks one rite? so i studied till like 1.30+am, tried getting to slp but didn't slp well. my mind was still thinking bout what i memorised. toss and turn and somehow fell aslp. by then i guess iz at least 2+ going 3? then morn, i force myself to wake up at 7. thou i set alarm at 6am. called my bro to wake me up too. i did wake up b4 they manage to call me juz tat i didn't get out of bed. iz until 7 then did i really woke up. ate breakfast, then continue studying. iz been soooo long since i woke up so early and slp so little. there i am, going to the exam with 3.5 topics in mind. so... unless i'm damn unlucky, else should be ok one. i juz need 34 marks to pass afterall. sounds easy rite? but who knows. i'm REALLY THAT UNLUCKY. the 2 topics tat i'm very confident in, none came out. the 3 topic that i'm half confident in, they came out the other half which i got not even a single clue on. really. after doing the paper i feel like juz disappearing from this world. i end up not knowing wat to do anymore. lost. i tried thinking what went wrong. all i can tell myself was i didn't put in enough effort in study. i didn't understand the topic enough. rite? anyone would hav said tis to me rite? if i had understand those topics enough, i should be able to solve those maths qns in my first 2 paper even when they twisted until is unrecognisable or looks very diff from what i learnt. the concept should be there. i should know one. rite? i didnt put in enough effort in studying coz if i did, i would be able to memorise/ understand all the topics in my 3rd paper so that whichever part they test, i won't hav to worry. rite? ya. that's prolly wat everyone will be thinking. thou there's effort made but still not enough. i've thot b4, what's enough. and guess wat ans i've got for myself? ^^ enough = quitting my job, studying almost 24/7, minus away toilet break, and slp time. that's enough. meal time? prolly should study while eating instead of watching tv while eating. ya. meaning i haven to minus all kinda entertainment and really study. tat then is call enough. haish. i duno. i'm really lost here. i'm so scared of my future. i spent 3 yrs studying tis already. next yr will be the 4th. i dun wana spend another 5th yr studying. i really dun wan. i'm very tired of studying. i'm beginning to think, did i really make the right choice? should i hav continued in biomed degree instead? or at least choose another uni which isn't 100% exam base? i duno. initially i had my doubts, but i didn't dare to think. i juz thot tat since i made tis decision, i shouldn't regret and juz go on. but as i see my papers and the failure rate, i'm beginning to hav my regrets. but isn't it abit too late to change? i wasted 3 yrs on this. switching means i hav to start all over again. i dun wan. i needa pass. but looking at the papers.... i doubt i can. i'm already 24. reaching 30 in 6 yrs. and i'm still hanging nowhere. 6 yrs sound  long. but in studying yr wise, it isn't tat long either. am i suppose to only be a fresh grad when i'm nearing 30? by then almost half of my life gone. i dun wan that to happen. sometimes i think. y am i not like my bros. bless with the hardworking-ness and the brain. we come from the same parents isn't it? y are the both of them so clever and i'm so norm? even if they owe their gd results to hardwork, but at least they are able to really study and concentrate. y can't i be any like them? i'm kinda jealous actually. i tried planning for my future, or at least the near future, but things juz dun seem to go as plan. i know things usually wont come out as planned. i'm actually quite cool bout it. i can change my plan. but tis time i dun even know how to plan or where to plan myself to. then again, look at my bros. they dun even hav to plan. all they needa do is get gd results, and things will fall tgt. come to think of it, that's life isn't it. first part of life, look at results. results gd, anything oso ok. dun even needa worry whether the uni wants u or not, dun hav to worry u can't get to ur ideal course. even no money oso can take up scholarship to help. things will juz go well or won't get any worst since u got gd results. getting into work life, first thing ppl see when u're a fresh grad, results. iz the 2nd part (getting into work life) that ppl start looking at ur job ability, etc (thou i hav none to boost on too). but now at tis stage, i'm still at the 1st part where results matter. so all i hav to do is to get gd results rite? sounds easy too. but how come in practical they are not easy at all? 34 marks. seriously dun sound hard at all rite? i thot so too. but.... haiz.... i really duno wat's my life coming to. iz nowhere here nor there now. and i hate it when my parents keep asking hows my exam which i will usually reply with a very unhappy tone of "dun ask", "duno" (u get it). i really duno how to reply them. next qns tat i hate ppl asking "how many more yrs u hav?" how am i going to ans them? tell them i studied for 3-4 yrs and yet see no signs of graduating? haish. really. can someone juz come save me from all tis. i'm really tired. my life isn't going well at all. not a single bit. i know compared to others, all these things are minor. but hey, diff ppl at diff stage of life hav diff kinda prob tat's big to them isn't it? moreover, i know i'm actually quite a blessed gal having gd friends and family. but iz also coz i'm so blessed now that i'm afraid that all these things will be taken away from me next time. pls dun tell me that u will always be with me coz ppl changes over time. i'm not saying any of u but rather, me. i'm so afraid that one day i'll change into a gal who chased away all her friends or prolly somehow isolated herself so much that she got distant away and ending up alone. this is so scary to think of. sigh. i duno. juz someone come save me from all tis depressing issue. help me. =)

iz been long~

well

sch started already

i actually went to check my results again for the duno how many times