Tuesday, March 05, 2013
sometimes i really can't understand. why everytime i'm studying, there will be someone sitting in front of me talking. can't they see that i'm studying? i've got piles of books and notes and (currently), a laptop in front of me, trying hard to memorise stuffs and they juz keep ranting off distracting me. haish. dun tell me that i should go somewhere else to study. if i could, i will. prob is tat's the best location in my whole house tat i can study better. so yupz. life have and have not been well. haha! the have part. well. i did manage to start appreciating people around me, esp my friends. went to meet up with yan that group. haven seen them for a long time. at least a yr? i was guessing 2 thou. they are really a fun bunch of people. nice people too. juz felt kinda bad that i really duno how to mix with them. mainly coz the group is too big? i really can't mix well in big groups. too quiet. like extreme quiet kind. not that i purposely keep quiet. more to coz they are all too outspoken. my comment will juz seem insignificant even if i speak. no one can hear me anyway since iz usual that i can never get attention when i speak in a big group. they are fun enough for me to juz listen to them there. haha! actually, i'm really blessed to meet real nice great friends in my life. i really really thank them for that. i will try my best to be a nice gd friend too! side note. will try my best to appreciate and learn to be nicer to my family too! oh ya. bie made a comment the other day which kinda.. inspire me? haha. she said smth like "u got ur whole life to get to know ur friends". true isn't it. declaration to all my friends and friends-to-be out there: i will spend my whole life getting to know u all, u can't run away. *evil laugh* next, spent cny in vietnam. love halong bay. the peace, the scenery.. will definitely go back there one day juz for the cruise. seems like i'll be travelling to penang in june and prolly to sydney again for couzie's couzie's 21 bday. iz a yr of travel. manage to meet a friend from aus and spent 2 wks of wonderful time tgt. nice memories that i'll remember even if our friendship didn't last. we should be grateful to the gd things that happen around us isn't it? and forget the bad things. everything that happen is an experience and i thank you for it. =) now to the have not. seems like this yr isn't really a very gd start with breakups here and there. hmm. on the brighter side, iz the beginning of the year! u all still got the rest of the year to get to know new ppl and you nv know, maybe the year will end with a couply year? haha! (i'm trying/learning to be positive, so lets all be! ^^) continuing on the down side, currently still waiting for smth to happen and it doesn't seem to be happening. oh well. the time will come when it doesn't really matter much anymore. exams coming too in like.. 2 mths? (OMG!) been kinda slacking/half hearted studying for the past few days. (ya. i end up blogging now coz of the rants which equals not studying too. >.<) kinda worried on the 7 mods that i'm taking but.. i believe i can do it! you nv know i'll get all As for all my 7 mods. than i'll be a first class hons! haha! dream. but.. i will pass all! yupz. overall conclusion. the year have just started. we shall wait and see. prolly it isn't tat bad afterall. =))) oh. pardon me for the lack of paragraph. did it on purpose so that no one will bother reading (like as if anyone will) after seeing that iz so long. if u did manage to get thru till here, gd for u and thank you for the interest in my life! haha! so tat's all. bye!
~ wait for it ~
Thursday, December 06, 2012
quite like my life now. not working anymore, concentrating on my studies. thought life will be quite boring staying at home everyday. but actually.. iz nice. ^^ enjoying the peaceful moment of everyday life. ha-la'ing' with my family and irritating my bros. lol. try my best to make it a point to study a chap of a mod everyday, thou sometimes will end up not studying (feel guilty) but so far so gd la. =)
thot it would be so hard for me to leave my workplace, will miss the people, and all. but now... it seems tat it doesn't matter at all. not thinking of anything else except wat to study. spent some night in coffeeshop helping to bao nasi lemak. thou tiring but ok la. not as bad, at least i'm not going there to help out every night. really can understand how tough it is for my parents to work like tis everyday. 又再一次明白,要赚多点钱, 就要辛苦多一点... thou many ppl see how someone is able to earn alot, but they dun see how hard the person worked to earn tat amt. don't be jealous ba. oh and this oso shows tat i nv stay home and do nth ok~ i did went to help out a lil. an apron is coming along for me to sew too. lol. my aunt is asking if i know how to sew an apron. i told her i can try and now she's gonna buy a cloth tat she like for me to sew. haha
it really feels so nice. i won't say iz nice to be studying at home and not working. more to feeling nice not interacting much with people ba. not that i dun like interacting with people. but somehow... it kinda giv some peace to my innerself? kinda find that my life previous is a mess. the life feel kinda unwanted that i dun wana go back anymore. the life now... seems clearer. no mess, pure. haha! limited vocab, tat's how i can describe.
actually kinda worried that i'm taking 7 mods tis sem. sometimes when i think, it feels kinda impossible. but on second thots, if we can manage 7 subjects in secondary sch, y can't we handle 7 modules now? should be the same rite? and tats what i've been telling myself. i can do it!! if i can pass my subjects during sec sch (thou not tat well), then given now i hav so much time and the willingness to study, i should be can do it. 加油!!
sometimes i'm thinking, maybe i should hav quit my job earlier. then maybe i wouldn't hav spent this extra one year studying now and scrapping to pass. if i had been a full time student, i prolly would hav graduated. but again, after thinking back on my past years working, i dun really regret too. an experience too ba. sometimes some things are just fated. iz prolly juz fated for me to leave. i sometimes think too that, if my boss had let me go on no pay leave, prolly i won't needa leave too. haha. fated ba. iz juz time for me to leave. and i'm glad about it.
oh! and i feel very accomplished today! i actually manage to study and kinda understood what i totally dun understand previously. and this meant tat i gained smth. very happy. =DDD i tried sooo hard trying to understand it while studying for the exam and totally cmi. and now, if the qns dun giv me some weird things. i think i'm able to do it confidently ba. haha! ok. i haven really truly deeply understood but ok la. gd enough. i'm gonna conquer tat chap today!
ok. tat's it for this. juz... thot of blogging since the laptop is staring at me. haha! am 'cleaning' my laptop and doing some defrag. so yeah. dun waste the electricity. do something useful since i've been wanting to blog. (there's no one i can talk bout these random stuff to isnt it. it'll be too random. haha!) so yeah
Thursday, May 17, 2012
seriously, wat's happening? y do i feel that i'm so unlucky these days? exam period now. finish my 3rd paper and i'm sinking into depression. for the past 2-3wks. i've been kinda living in fear of having chicken pox coz my dear cousin caught chix pox at the point of time when everyone is in the exam period. u can't imagine how piss off and worried i am when i first heard bout the news. i almost cried. tis exam is soooo impt to me that i can't afford to miss any of it, i can't get chix pox at tis point of time. and any normal human here will naturally be worried coz tat person is staying with u and u see him everyday. somemore it starts spreading days b4 the symptoms come out. u nv know i would hav already gotten it or any time within tis 2 wks, i'm susceptible to catching the pox virus. u seriously can't imagine how worried i am these days. up till now. thou iz said that his chix pox is gone (since iz after 2 wks) but doc says it takes bout 1 wk for symptoms to come out? u duno how scary tat is. on top of that, exam stress.... if u notice, tis time i really tried putting in effort in studying. for 9 months, i dare not spend my wkend wasting my time out there playing. prolly i did, but iz juz tat few. for most wkends, i stayed home trying to study, feeling guilty the moment i step out of my house. i dare say i did put in more effort than last yr. and that's coz of my last yr's experience. i dun wan to hav tat kinda feeling again. i dun wana go into the exam hall, coming out regretting that i didn't put in enough effort. so i forced myself to study. i wana grad next yr, i'm aiming to. and here comes my first paper... iz terrible. very very terrible. the moment i start reading thru all the qns, i know that i'm dead. i dun even know wth the qns are asking bout. i tried my best to do the qns but i know myself, none of those are worth any marks. but fine. i admit tat i didn't really study much on tis module. so ok. if i fail, i accept it. then my 2nd paper. i was kinda confident tat i will at least pass tis mod. prolly even hav the confidence of getting say 50-60 marks? but again, when i started reading the qns, iz like shit. really. those qns seem sooo alien like as if i've nv studied them before. i dun even know which topic are they from. the qns look soooo much diff from those tutorials tat i do WHICH, are mostly taken from past yr papers. guess wat i'm thinking at that point of time. =) "are u kidding me?" and that's to the examiner. i really duno. at tat moment everything is like gone. even the mod which i'm more confident in passing is gone. i dun even dare to think how much marks i'll get for that. nvm. 3rd paper, which is the next day (and oso today). went straight home after the 2nd, eat+watch tv (they both happen at the same time to save time), study.... tis time i didn't hav much time to study since the papers are side by side and there isn't much time for me so i tried squeezing watever i can into my dumb brain. had 2 topics that i'm very confident in, 3 topics half confident (coz i only manage to memorise like half of each chap). i was thinking, shouldn't be that bad rite? can't be so sway all dun come out. thou there's like 13 chaps and memorising only 3.5 chaps is like much lesser than half. but hey. 8 qns a paper choose 4. somemore most of the time those qns usually ask until u can ans the qns by giving them the whole of the chap. so.. sure got some marks one rite? so i studied till like 1.30+am, tried getting to slp but didn't slp well. my mind was still thinking bout what i memorised. toss and turn and somehow fell aslp. by then i guess iz at least 2+ going 3? then morn, i force myself to wake up at 7. thou i set alarm at 6am. called my bro to wake me up too. i did wake up b4 they manage to call me juz tat i didn't get out of bed. iz until 7 then did i really woke up. ate breakfast, then continue studying. iz been soooo long since i woke up so early and slp so little. there i am, going to the exam with 3.5 topics in mind. so... unless i'm damn unlucky, else should be ok one. i juz need 34 marks to pass afterall. sounds easy rite? but who knows. i'm REALLY THAT UNLUCKY. the 2 topics tat i'm very confident in, none came out. the 3 topic that i'm half confident in, they came out the other half which i got not even a single clue on. really. after doing the paper i feel like juz disappearing from this world. i end up not knowing wat to do anymore. lost. i tried thinking what went wrong. all i can tell myself was i didn't put in enough effort in study. i didn't understand the topic enough. rite? anyone would hav said tis to me rite? if i had understand those topics enough, i should be able to solve those maths qns in my first 2 paper even when they twisted until is unrecognisable or looks very diff from what i learnt. the concept should be there. i should know one. rite? i didnt put in enough effort in studying coz if i did, i would be able to memorise/ understand all the topics in my 3rd paper so that whichever part they test, i won't hav to worry. rite? ya. that's prolly wat everyone will be thinking. thou there's effort made but still not enough. i've thot b4, what's enough. and guess wat ans i've got for myself? ^^ enough = quitting my job, studying almost 24/7, minus away toilet break, and slp time. that's enough. meal time? prolly should study while eating instead of watching tv while eating. ya. meaning i haven to minus all kinda entertainment and really study. tat then is call enough. haish. i duno. i'm really lost here. i'm so scared of my future. i spent 3 yrs studying tis already. next yr will be the 4th. i dun wana spend another 5th yr studying. i really dun wan. i'm very tired of studying. i'm beginning to think, did i really make the right choice? should i hav continued in biomed degree instead? or at least choose another uni which isn't 100% exam base? i duno. initially i had my doubts, but i didn't dare to think. i juz thot tat since i made tis decision, i shouldn't regret and juz go on. but as i see my papers and the failure rate, i'm beginning to hav my regrets. but isn't it abit too late to change? i wasted 3 yrs on this. switching means i hav to start all over again. i dun wan. i needa pass. but looking at the papers.... i doubt i can. i'm already 24. reaching 30 in 6 yrs. and i'm still hanging nowhere. 6 yrs sound long. but in studying yr wise, it isn't tat long either. am i suppose to only be a fresh grad when i'm nearing 30? by then almost half of my life gone. i dun wan that to happen. sometimes i think. y am i not like my bros. bless with the hardworking-ness and the brain. we come from the same parents isn't it? y are the both of them so clever and i'm so norm? even if they owe their gd results to hardwork, but at least they are able to really study and concentrate. y can't i be any like them? i'm kinda jealous actually. i tried planning for my future, or at least the near future, but things juz dun seem to go as plan. i know things usually wont come out as planned. i'm actually quite cool bout it. i can change my plan. but tis time i dun even know how to plan or where to plan myself to. then again, look at my bros. they dun even hav to plan. all they needa do is get gd results, and things will fall tgt. come to think of it, that's life isn't it. first part of life, look at results. results gd, anything oso ok. dun even needa worry whether the uni wants u or not, dun hav to worry u can't get to ur ideal course. even no money oso can take up scholarship to help. things will juz go well or won't get any worst since u got gd results. getting into work life, first thing ppl see when u're a fresh grad, results. iz the 2nd part (getting into work life) that ppl start looking at ur job ability, etc (thou i hav none to boost on too). but now at tis stage, i'm still at the 1st part where results matter. so all i hav to do is to get gd results rite? sounds easy too. but how come in practical they are not easy at all? 34 marks. seriously dun sound hard at all rite? i thot so too. but.... haiz.... i really duno wat's my life coming to. iz nowhere here nor there now. and i hate it when my parents keep asking hows my exam which i will usually reply with a very unhappy tone of "dun ask", "duno" (u get it). i really duno how to reply them. next qns tat i hate ppl asking "how many more yrs u hav?" how am i going to ans them? tell them i studied for 3-4 yrs and yet see no signs of graduating? haish. really. can someone juz come save me from all tis. i'm really tired. my life isn't going well at all. not a single bit. i know compared to others, all these things are minor. but hey, diff ppl at diff stage of life hav diff kinda prob tat's big to them isn't it? moreover, i know i'm actually quite a blessed gal having gd friends and family. but iz also coz i'm so blessed now that i'm afraid that all these things will be taken away from me next time. pls dun tell me that u will always be with me coz ppl changes over time. i'm not saying any of u but rather, me. i'm so afraid that one day i'll change into a gal who chased away all her friends or prolly somehow isolated herself so much that she got distant away and ending up alone. this is so scary to think of. sigh. i duno. juz someone come save me from all tis depressing issue. help me. =)
Thursday, March 29, 2012
iz been long~
rem someone hav been complaining tat my blog remains at 20 yrs old
well. isn't it a gd thing?
i dun wana remind myself tat i'm old anyway
time past like zooom!
was as usual studying
then started drifting away
first went to look up on my jam's movie
tat dear movie which i've been waiting for it to be shown in sg but tsk forget it
doubt they will show
in the end i bought the dvd online
expecting it to arrive in few wks time
hopefully it do arrive
then later started looking at ppl's blog
not many ppl anyway
juz tat 2
iz been soooo long since i did tis kinda thing le
been so busy with life that i haven got much time to pause and rest for tis kinda thing
put it tis way
the moment i started drifting away
i'll feel guilty
esp when the many many thots of thinking i wana blog
then the later thot of blogging needs time and i got no time i'll become damn sian le
i'm soooo worried on my studies
kinda broke down 2 days ago
started crying (like once again) in lab on how stress i am and how i'm unable to finish studying
and now, end up got ppl keep bugging me and ranting me and nagging me to study
but at the same time
i oso realise sometimes how selfish i am regarding some matters
i really dun think in other ppl's shoe
how idiot of me.
many things happen these days
so many times i wana blog but... (u know the reason)
feels tat there is a change in my thinking ba
some things i dun really wana care anymore
and some things i've been hoping for a change
recently saw tis somewhere
saying bout how listening to a particular song reminds u of someone
does it happen to u?
coz it does happen to me
everytime i hear tat song it reminds me of tat person
mostly the happy times
wonder if tat person does too
i can't even rem what triggered the silience/argument
but only rem iz loads of wat i will say, misunderstandings, that causes it
details, i can't rem
iz really one of my regrets ba
i wonder if tis reminds u of me too.
these days been busy studying
haven really got a chance to meet up with ppl
feeling tat i've distant away from them
b4 sch starts and some time after sch juz started i've been meeting her for like almost every wk?
ever since things got more stressful
i now basically dun contact her anymore
when my exam end i'm sooooo going to call her and ask her out!
anyway exam is at expo
might be able to find her in cgh
not only her
some others here and there too
min juz msg me few days ago (or was it ytd) tat carrot bought choco from hk
and tat reminds me tat i have seen him for quite a long time too
i almost could hav forgotten bout him
and i've planned wat i wana do after my exams le
and one of them is...
the remaining includes painting my house outside de walls
set up my sewing machine
off handedly tat's all i can rem
just smth random
i'm not a person who express myself well
so dun expect those kinda !!! expression from me
i duno how to console ppl, neither do i know how to show my concern
so if u are there crying and i'm not there asking u wat happen etc de
it doesn't mean i dun care
iz juz tt i duno wat to do
i dun wana make things worst by going near coz i'm afraid wat i say will worsen things
if u tell me smth is pitiful,
dun expect me to go 'oh, so poor thing' etc
but it oso doesn't mean i feel nth
to put it simply,
hav u seen me doing all these things?
prolly yes but very seldom i guess
i rem looooong looong time ago
there's someone who kinda 'tested' me to giv tat kinda expression
and sadly i failed
sounded very 'i dun care' kinda way
argued and in the end, i guess tat person gave up
tat person began to understand wat kinda person i am
no matter wat
tat's juz me
sometimes iz strange tat u can think of so many things u wana say
but when u are here now typing away
nth comes in
and it ends up like yet another crappy post
trying to squeeze out watever crap u can think of at that moment
guess i'll end tis crap here
~i dun dare to think of wat will happen next, i only dare to think of wat to study next~
Saturday, December 03, 2011
was studying but apparently i drifted off
waiting for time to come where yh and tay will reply me on wat time to meet
y dun call?
coz i suppose they're busy
wanted to concentrate on studying too
so juz sent a msg and wait for reply
some little time passed since i last blog (as usual)
many happened and i didn't know how should i write it down
many thots running everyday but all still unsolved
realised recently how immature i actually am
and to think tat i've been saying tat some ppl around me are childish
who am i to comment on them
handling work and studies really isn't tat easy afterall
esp when mods taken tis sem are heavy ones
been trying to study hard and diligently but i only barely scrap thru juz one mod
how bout the other 3?
thinking of quitting my job
i have my other thots of y i didn't quit
iz funny how ppl can feel stress when i dun realise it until my biological body tells me tat i'm stress
with huge huge pimples popping out and the mthly routine not being a routine anymore
tat's when i know i'm stress
tat happened when i was studying for exams during may
and after i stopped and think,
i am stress
not only stress but tired
i haven really enjoyed much these days
not as much as i've enjoyed previously
i go to work from mon to sat
and on sun, i'll visit min to study at her side
even on my leave days i'll visit her too.
feeling kinda pai sae like keep troubling her
now tat she grad, i duno where to go le
hope i'll hav some self control and diligently study at home ba
thou i know i'll hav time like tis where i'll drift off.
i got my reply
time to get ready for kaylen's bday
think i'm going to be late
hope can leave early so got time come back study abit ba.
else i'll be having a hard time tml
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
sch started already
busy busy and busy
time is simply not enough
so many readings to do
so little time
and u muz be thinking, since no time how come i'm here
few min won't kill rite?
had to on com to check things
here i am
tat kinda feeling again
y muz it come back
simply hate it
back to the days where i worry for tis and tat le
think i'll go bonkers soon
juz few mths of paradise
and here i am
y muz study!!
now i can't seem to even find one day free to stay at home the whole day
i hate life now
i hate youuuu!!!
Sunday, August 28, 2011
i actually went to check my results again for the duno how many times
tis time i rem to print it out
went to remove my moles
instead, i got 3 damn big black dots on my face now
(like ten times the size of the original la! or was it 100X?!)
iz SUPER UGLY!!!
been complaining bout it since the moment i see it
now i duno how to go work tml
duno how to face ppl
duno how to go out on tue too
iz tat bad
i even feel so pai sae until i keep my head down when i walk
sian sian sian~~
help me pray k?
tat it will all dry up and be gone in 4 days!!!
which is by rite wed
the person say de
shortest 4 days longest 1 wk
and pray for the shortest timing
not the long one
i dun think i can take it any longer lo
duno how to face ppl liao
if u try asking me out tis wk or next and i rejected u coz i say i'm too ugly
u know y now
sch's starting soon
like next wk?
even more sian
few mths of hols ended juz like tat
it felt like juz wks only
i'm suppose to enjoy the last 1 wk of hols
but i'm feeling too pai sae to go out!!!
but gd thing is tat it made me appreciate how i look ba
it doesn't mean tat i hav to settle with wat i am now
there's always room for improvements isnt it?
i got my plans
after tis mole removal issue
i still needa put braces
then prolly i'll stop
i'm considering on double eyelid surgery thou
but tat one need serious serious seeeerious consideration
we shall see
iz time to save $$$!!!
resolution for the yr:
(eh.. not too late to make resolution rite? thou tis yr only left few mths. lol)
make plans on my single life
(else, get me a bf. but dun anyhow intro me anyone u can find in ur friend list hor. pls get me the kind i wan. which.... is much much harder. haha! so, let me go wit my original plan. it will be a wiser choice. lol)
~it isn't tat bad after all~